Who Do You Know Here?

So even though the new year got rang in with bubbly drinks and hearty laughs, forgive me if I’m not completely sold on it yet. First reason that I have not bought a 2010 t-shirt yet: Obama has brought about as much “change” to this country as someone who “only uses their credit card” brings to a laundry-mat. One thing that is for sure is that if downswings are followed by upswings, then 2010 should be one hell of a year.

2009 was so bad that it finally drove everybody’s celebrity deathpool favorite, Artie Lange, to attempt to end it all. Thankfully for me (I have Lindsey Lohan going before Artie), it didn’t work out.

One positive note from the year formerly know as good (2009) is that after many weekends tinkering in our lab, whodoyouknowhere.com scientists have concluded that drinking screwdrivers is a sure fire way to never catch a cold again. While this treatment method has lead to headaches in some patients, it has also been associated with “good-times”, so we think it’s a winner.

I’ve always been a guilty until proven innocent kind of guy, so I am waiting for that defining moment in 2010 when I can rationalize posting bail for our current times in my own mind. Will it come at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver? Maybe the World Cup in South Africa? I’m not sure when it’s going to happen, but I hope it’s soon. Salut!

According to Salon.com who have somehow obtained a copy of Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter’s diary, Sarah had a certain admiration for Keith Olbermann in the early 90’s.

No big deal, I thought. This is totally understandable. I too used to enjoy waking up 30 minutes early on weekdays to watch a mustachioed Olbermann deliver the “Plays of the week.”

However, it seems that Palin (once herself an ambitious young sports anchoress) carried that fondness to the next level.

In a passage sure to send Todd Palin running to his rainy day Surge cache, writer Lynn Vincent recalls an evening spent with the former VP candidate looking at Mrs. Palin’s old sportscaster tapes on youtube. “And to think,” SP says, “I once dreamed of blowing Keith Olbermann.”

Other fun highlights:
-Sarah’s a fan of fart jokes
-She considers autographing pictures of aborted fetuses
-Her children have nightmares of Joe Biden

Although Palin (probably) never got to fellate Olbermann, it hasn’t stopped Keith from crawling down her throat on a nightly basis.

Okay, I admit it, I watched the VMAs last night.  Yes there was football on but come on, that game was a snoozefest.  And besides, this article sums up NBC’s coverage of the game as well as anyone could.  Alas, I watched MTV’s Video Music Awards pretty much in its entirety with football and Entourage breaks accordingly.  This awards show used to be awesome.  Primarily because I used to pay attention to shitty new pop acts and they weren’t always hosted by Russell Brand.  I actually like Brand most of the time, but last night he was bloody awful.  I’ve laughed harded at a canker sore than his opening monologue.  Seriously, Madonna got more laughs eugugolizing MJ.  Fortunately for Brand, no one is talking about his abysmal performance because Kanye West saved the day.  Maybe Kanye and Russell are boys and Kanye felt Brand blowing it so he decided to reach into his bag of crazy and pull out a gem.  This theory fails however because it would require Kanye having a soul.  I’d bet that Yeezy merely pulled out this nice bottle of cognac and let his ego drive the crazy train.  If you missed his outburst during Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech, then thank you for reading this from your cave in Pakistan.  Here it is anyway, just for you Mahmoud.  I thought that this move was disrespectful, unnecessary and absolutely….hilarious.  Kanye is a world class nutbag and we should cherish each outburst.  And who really cares about Taylor Swift’s “moment?”  She’s 19, has millions of dollars, and will win many more important awards than a goddamn moonman, yet people are acting like Kanye kidnapped her first child.  Relax.  He got drunk and behaved hilariously inappropriate…is he the first guy to do this? Nope, and judging by my typical weekend routine, he won’t be the last.  Plus he gave Taylor Swift more publicity than she would ever receive by getting on stage and being humble.  I couldn’t name a single Taylor Swift song but now she is all over the TV and internet…and, guees what?  She’s not hot.  There I said it.  If she was hotter there’d be more sympathy on my end, but she’s not.  Ipso facto, I side with Kanye.  Hotness can trump hilarity in certain situations.  Taylor Swift does not get this pass.  Finally, who the hell is Lady GaGa and why is no one talking about how batshit crazy she is?  Kanye was drunk and is an attention seeking idiot, that’s why he behaved the way he did.  Does she have an excuse for the bizarre-o avant garde fashion sense (besides possibly that she is a retard?)?  She couldn’t break my wood quicker if she had a chainsaw.  Except for Jay-Z and Alicia Keys closing the show and Wale holding it down as the house band, this was probably the worst VMAs in recent memory.  And yet it’s also probably the most talked about.  I think we all have Kanye to thank for that.  Taylor, I believe you’re first….. 

Geez, C’mon lady….and lady is being generous       

Pat here.  As many Americans, I have been lost…  In the T.V show LOST! Excuse my corniness.  I assure you, what I am about to share with you will make up for any lame or awkward comment I have ever made.  About two weeks ago I started watching ABC’s cash-cow, LOST, on Netflix.  Since then I have not had one good night’s sleep.  With all the drama and excellence, it is hard to stop watching.  Early in my Lost journey I thought the character Kate (Evangeline Lilly) was the hottest.  Despite what seems to be a deceivingly large and ever growing rack, she has been eclipsed in sexiness by the character of Juliette (Elizabeth Mitchell).  Elizabeth Mitchell has a hot mom quality.  Kind of like Joanna Kerns (first boner) from Growing Pains, same quality, but way hotter.  At about 3:30 this morning, as I was nearing the last couple episodes of season five, I decided to hit pause and google Elizabeth Mitchell… and I struck gold.  I found this *clip* of Elizabeth and Angelina Jolie lezing out all over each other in the 1998 film Gia.  Don’t get me wrong, I have been sporadically enjoying myself to Gia every time it’s on cable for the last 11 years.  But I NEVER realized that the chick letting Tomb Raider suck on her nipples was the hot-blonde-older-chick from LOST.  This is like your high school girlfriend getting famous, and you finding the naked pictures you took of her in a shoe box; you can enjoy them on a whole other level.  Please, please, please watch this clip our good friends at Metacafe were nice enough to provide for you commercial free.  Just make sure anyone within the blast radius of your pants is wearing safety goggles.

Elizabeth Mitchell (Juliet From Lost) And Angelina Jolie -

So it has been one hot summer down here in Texas.  The months of July and August in Austin have felt like being trapped inside Satan’s scrotum.  Since we have paid our dues in sweat, we are finally being rewarded with a drop in temperature, and more importantly another FOOTBALL SEASON!!  Two incredible things have happened in the last few weeks.

1. Michael Vick is finally back after serving two years in prison for killing dogs.

Vick can be seen here with what appears to be some kind of Nordic sea mammal in the background.  As a Redskins fan, I am pretty upset to see this Virginia native go to the dreaded Eagles, but at least everybody is finally getting over what he did.  If Stallworth only got 24 days for killing a man, then I think Mike Vick has paid his dues by now.  How come Vick couldn’t just pay off the families like Stallworth did?

2. Brett Favre is on the VIKINGS?!?

Personally I feel like this is what Green Bay gets for making that deal where if the Jets traded him to the Vikings they owed GB (Green Bay or Gay Boys, I’m not sure…) $2 million.  Pretty ridiculous.  I think we’ve reached the point where the league should allow Favre to play with a helper dog (must be a golden retriever or yellow lab) and allow him to pound Bud heavy on the sidelines during games.  If you’ve got a problem with Brett Favre then Lieutenant Guile definitely has a problem with you.

Seriously though, I am very glad for this long hot summer to be nearing an end.  Here in Austin this summer has brought the worst drought since the 1950s, and every time you turn on the news you just see another reason invest in staffing agencies (a sure fire sign that your country is in deep economic shit).  At least football is back, and I can invest in betting on games instead of low-rent health care providers.

Shawne Merriman is back to turn the lights out on this economic crisis, Tom Brady is back to remind us how much we hate New England, Plaxico is still nursing his leg wounds, and the Oakland Raiders are still in complete disarray.  Everything is back in it’s familiar place except for LenDale White’s weight.  Way to go LenDale, since this happens to be a contract year you should consider only signing one year contracts, then you would never be overweight again…

Let’s get realistic, expecting LenDale to permanently control his weight is like expecting the economy not to fluctuate.  It’s science, these things are going to happen.   The sun will rise tomorrow, Michael Irvin will snort another line, and eventually LenDale will slug another shot of Patron (most likely in celebration of his fat new contract).  So here’s to turning the corner, new beginnings, and a reason to sit around doing nothing on Saturdays and Sundays besides just being hungover.  GEAUX TIGERS!

Cheers,

Will

      Hey there blog readers of the world what it is?  I’m not sure how many of you are obsessed with watching poker on TV (sounds retarted) like I am, but it is late summer and the World Series of Poker 2009 is starting to air.  I will be watching/dvr-ing the vast majority of the event but that is not what is on my mind right now.  What really grinds my gears is the fact that ESPN or better yet SPIKE TV has not picked up arguably the greatest annual event of all time, the World Series of Beer Pong.  Yes the World Fucking Series of Beer Pong.  Are you shitting me, that is like having a warehouse filled with free nachos right down the street.  Think about it, the link is that both things are fantastically amazing. It is like being Megan Fox’s crotch razor.

The World Series of Beer Pong is an annual event that takes place in Las Vegas from January 1-5.  Last year 600 participants entered and the winning team took home $50,000.  It is ten cup beer pong on a regulation eight foot ping pong table.  I saw some youtube footage of some of these “champions” and they are not too impressive.  I will admit that I play more beer pong than 99% of the entire population including college kids, making me incredibly cool and good looking, but more importantly deadly accurate to solo cups.  In this event you end up drinking something like six beers per person per day so do not be afraid of the quantity.  If you are like me you would certainly be pregaming before the first game with those kind of numbers.  Think about it right now it is early August and registration for the World Series of Beer Pong ends in mid December.  This is the perfect time to quit your crappy job, if you have one, and start a serious training regimen for the upcoming 2010 WSOBP.   Think about it: New Years in Las Vegas, 12 guaranteed beer pong games, a possibility at a cool 50k if your games is right and countless boners.  I have a few partners in mind but I am also open to video applications.  No trick shots or shady camera work please.  Also if you are a female please do not be attractive because I have a bad track record of getting nervous and awkward trying to overly impress you by winning in beer pong, which I am never able to do.  Also don’t smell good, same story.  In fact gain some weight before the tournament, a lot of fucking weight.  On a serious note though, there are roughly 300 teams of slightly above average beer pong players that attend this event every year.  I propose a group of 30 highly skilled beer pong players, and friends of mine, attend if not the 2010, the 2011 WSOBP in Vegas.  One of the fifteen teams will no doubt take home the $50,000 with the understanding that it is all to be spent later that night.  If at this point of the blog you think that I am joking about this event existing or me going to win it in the next few years you are sorely mistaken.  Get your shit together and meet me in Vegas for New Years!

So here at Who Do You Know Here? we’ve been trying to keep busy writing, filming, modeling, boating…everything to maintain our lavish lifestyles.  With that said, July is so damn hot in Texas that we’ve spent the entire month hunkered down in air conditioned bunkers complaining about the heat and how none of us have been called back for more modeling gigs.  So what’s the first thing that gets disregarded in an environment where the weather never slips below 312? Blogs and soup.  I blame June mostly, for being so memorable.  In one month alone, I hit my first (and most certainly last) hole-in-one, Pat finally got circumcised, and Mark found out he was adopted….one of those three events actually occurred but I’ll leave that up to you to decide. Basically, we didn’t post any blogs in July because it was a boring month filled with nothing but King of Pop tributes, dead athletes, and the WNBA.  July started out with a bang, like it always does, with the 4th of July, America’s annual recognition of sending King George back to suck-town. Over the course of the 4th festivities, Who Do You Know Here? may or may not have adopted a drifter/hobo/person without home/dirty stinkpuss (use whatever phrasing you may).  As Wes has mentioned before, Austin has a lot of ‘em.  With that escapade behind us, July had few highlights.  There was a revolution in Iran (historically significant).  UFC 100 was pretty good (bonerifically signifcant).  White Sox Mark Buerhle continued to pitch and teammate AJ Pierzynski continued to catch (oh, and this also happened….Obamally significant).  And then nothing happened.  In fact, July carried on without anything of note.  But then it happened.  It was long overdue, highly anticipated and yet still managed to exceed everyone’s expectations including musically, visually, sexually, and even patriotically.  Yes, you’re right.  The Upper Deck Crew finally dropped the world premiere of their monumental single, “Upper Deck.”  This club-banger is the latest and freshest thing to hit the streets since Curtis Blow.  So a lot of stuff happened or didn’t happen in July but everyone will remember 7/09 as the month of UDC.  When you create in a pressure cooker like Texas, of course your jams are gonna be the hottest.  But the Crew is back on the grind, in the lab with a pen and a pad, ready to drop more bombs on the competition.  And potentially more blogs on them as well.  Stay tuned ladies and gents, it’s gonna be a hot August.

So it has been about six months now since we all moved down here to Austin, Texas (ATX), and it has been one hell of a ride.  Since I haven’t blogged anything since I’ve been here, I’ll let y’all in on the highlights for me (this is Will btw).  First off, my first few weeks here kicked off with a boom.  Within three days of having internet I was able to find a job (well a non-paying job)  sound mixing on a full length indie film called “Snuff”.  It was like a psychological thriller type film on which I worked with some of the finest people that I have met so far in this city.   The set was filled with a small crew and enough beer to feed a crew at least six times the size of ours.  It was a grueling, yet rewarding experience, that I’m ready to start all over again this July when we are shooting our next movie about some old gangster in witness protection.  That movie took me from early January through mid February (with a few re-shoots in April).  Once I was done with that, I took about a week off to decompress.  The thing about relaxing/taking time off in Austin, is that relaxing can often times turn into benders that you will never either forget or remember at all.  There is such great night life here that it is hard to stay away when you have some free time on your hands.

 After acquainting myself with the Austin nightlife for a bit, it was back to work.  I went down to beautiful Belle Rose, Louisiana to work on the crew of the action packed Speed TV show “Pinks All Out”.  This was definitely a new realm of production for me.  The crew on this show is gigantic, like 60 plus people.  Firstly, the premise of the show is that all the people from around that area bring their drag racing cars to race, and try to win their particular speed class.  They move from city to city filming at different tracks.  It was intense.  As a sound mixer it was challenging because of all the revving engines and screaming rednecks in the background of all the shots.  Beyond that aspect, there is also the fact that you have to deal with car explosions, and standing on the edge of the track when dragsters catch air, crash and burn, and begin flipping right towards you while you try not to piss yourself on the edge of the track.

 I was able to make it out of that shoot with minimal urine stains on my pants, and made it back to Austin for another stint of relaxation.  I took the time to find some of the parks around here, there are some nice ones.  Many dog friendly, and others that are just awesome.  This city really values outdoor living, which is a really nice thing when you live in a warm climate.

The month of March was an amazing month for me.  I got to travel to Africa with my parents to shoot a promotional video for their website.  I traveled in Malawi, South Africa, and Zambia.  Believe it or not the most interesting part of this trip was actually both times that I had travel through the Frankfurt, Germany Airport on that trip.  The stop between Dulles and Johannesburg, South Africa that we used was Frankfurt, Germany.  On the way to Africa I made it all the way to the gate to board my flight to South Africa when I was turned down by the lovely German airport staff.  They told me that I did not have the proper amount of pages in my passport to travel on to South Africa.  My father and I tried to argue that I did have the proper pages (which I did), but the conversation was ended when this metrosexual German finally yelled at us, “Don’t try and use your American logic on me!!”  It was the last line of a half hour argument that ended with me having to stay an extra night at the airport hotel in Frankfurt.  Trapped in Germany, I was reading a book called FateLess… not a good combination.  I’m not sure if it’s just me, but that city sucked.  Every German looks at you like you killed their baby just because you’re an American.  I’m more American than most though, so maybe that’s why?  At any rate, I was able to get the approval needed from the airport people in South Africa, and was able to reach my destination in JoBurg a day late.  The trip though Africa went amazingly.  I got a lot of good footage and met a lot of cool people.  Southern Africa is an incredible place.

Unfortunately, the cool people were all gone by the time my parents and I arrived back in the Frankfurt airport.  This time all of our flying arrangements were accepted, but our entrance into the louge where we were to wait for our flight was denied.  Although we had the proper paperwork once again, this chubby German lady with short styled hair was insistent that our paperwork wasn’t up to date… Germans have always been so serious about paperwork (see any movie about WWII or the holocaust)… anyways we had a wonderful French gay man (Stephan) come to our rescue and vouch that we actually did have the proper papers.  Who would have thought that the French would be saving the Americans in Germany??

To my disbelief I actually made it out of Germany eventually, and made my way back to Austin.  Once back in Austin it was time for me to edit together all of this footage that I got over in Africa.  Most of April was filled with long nights of either editing or finding new places to spend my money in Austin.

After the April showers I was brought May flowers in the form of trips to both Baton Rouge and Las Vegas.

It was the first time I had been back in Baton Rouge since graduating LSU in December ‘07.  I was delighted to find that not much had changed.  They still party harder than everywhere else, have all of the same bars, and crawfish boils still bring joy to all who attend or even think about going to one.

 The crawfish boil turned into a slip and slide party, which then transitioned to a late night out on the town to celebrate the LSU Rugby team coming in #6 in the country this year.  If you haven’t had a good night out in Baton Rouge before, I would strongly suggest it.

After coming back to Austin it was time for a few kickball games.  Mark, Eric, Stephanie and I all joined a co-ed kickball league to try and make some friends here in Austin.  We ended up on a team called the “Bad News Brews”.  We were good, but unfortunately did not end up winning the championship.  However, I did find out that the hipster stigma that surrounds adult kickball leagues is negligible in real life, and it’s definitely a fun thing to do if your heart so desires.

A few days after turning 24 I took off to Vegas for my buddy Mark’s bachelor party.  It was memorial day weekend, we stayed at the MGM Grand, and that’s really most of what I remember.  Between lazy rivers, beers, and three card poker tables I actually managed to come out on to about $200 even though I lost the bet I put down on Rashad Evans to beat Machida.

Betting against Machida was a mistake.  If you haven’t seen “the Hangover” you should, because although some of the jokes are outlandish, I felt that it captured the spirit of a Vegas bachelor party to the “T”.  Galifinakis’ speech about wolves roaming the desert really hit the nail on the head.

Coming back home to ATX from Vegas was a rough transition.  You really wish you were back in fantasyland for about a week after you return.  Since then I’ve done a few small shoots, fixed my computer so I could write this blog, and continued to look for new places in Austin to spend my money.  While I still haven’t found my watering hole of choice, I have found a few that I know are not it.  So far in old ATX I have found some really awesome people, and some truly amazing natural locations.  I’ll let y’all know what comes next…

-Will

I love marketing wars.  Either subtle or blatant, when corporations go after each other through advertisement everyone wins.  Anyone else remember the Miller and Bud battles from a few years ago?  That got so brutal I half expected the CEO of Miller to wake up with a horse head in his bed or for Miller to market their beer with naked pictures of August Busch’s underage daughter (Busch’s bush?…sorry, too easy).  Well hold on to your hats folks, we got another advertising battle brewing.  Down here in Texas we are blessed with the fast food chain Jack in the Box.  Not only are their burgers delicious and their drive-thru signs massive, but their marketing is masterful.  Jack in the Box executives have never heard of subtlety.  These execs were absolutely the bullies of the recess yard and guess who’s the newest nerd on the block? Burger King.  That’s right, the King himself is getting bent over by this Jack fella and he’s taking it like a bitch.  First, Burger King came out with their western mini burgers with some ads involving midget farmers and cowboys making midget-sized burgers.  Creative, right?  Well Jack in the Box has taken that same idea and made it 1000x funnier.  Check out the commercial here.  “Yippie Ka-Yay Mini Sirloin Burgers” will now be in your head for the rest of the day.  I’m sorry…I’m not sorry.  That song is an absolute jam.  Put that ad on in the club and drop a techno beat behind it and you will have people popping, locking, and quite possibly dropping as well.  Now at this point, it’s just a stolen idea. Stolen mini burgers, stolen little people marketing campaign.  F’ it, no big deal, right?  That’s until this exclamation of war.  That’s viciously blatant, borderline abrasive.  Who knew Jack is so jacked up and so willing to fight the King?  But is the King ready to fight back?  Jack versus the King in the steel octagon would be the highest rated pay-per-view event of the year by far.  BK has to be pissed.  This campaign strike is unexpected and devastating.  This is the equivalent of Pearl Harbor and 9/11 rolled into one delicious grilled beef patty.  So far I haven’t seen Burger King’s rebuttal but they’ll have to plan some sort of counter attack.  BK just got called out by a competitor and is on the defensive.  They may go down but they should at least go down swinging like Andy DuFrane with the Sisters.  Quiet dignity doesn’t work in the marketing world, especially when I’m the consumer.  Bring the noise BK, and allow me the pleasure of watching this burger war unfold all summer.  Watching summer television programming is usually like performing liposuction on Oprah with a crazy straw.  These campaigns could keep my pants (and waist) getting fatter all summer but it could be glorious.  Jack’s in the early lead and so far there are no signs of a counterattack.  Don’t let me down King.  Don’t let America down.                  

Hey guys Mark here. So today I finally sacked up and got a new phone after spending the last two weeks with essentially a useless piece of radioactivity resting next to my vulnerable testies.  The reason I waited so long is not because my plan wasn’t up for renewal or because of lack of money (I’m so fucking loaded right now I’m sprinkling coke on my food instead of salt) but because I didn’t want to go to the Verizon store for eight hours.  Getting something accomplished at the Verizon store is like trying to get Will’s dog Bentley to stop licking his own cock; I’m just jelous Bentley.  But anyways I finally got a sexy new phone, after the salesman with bad breath half heartedly tried to sell me everything unnecessary in the store.  He did succeed in  getting  me to buy the only phone in the store that had live tv, however, by pointing at my future new phone and telling me “this phone comes with live tv”.  So finally after missing two meals I went back home, happy with everything except the fact that the guy allergic to Scope couldn’t transfer my contacts from my old phone to my new one.  It might have been the fact that I threw my old phone into a four hundred pound wooden beer pong table and destroyed the battery.  Unlikely.  Either way I am now at the cross roads all too familiar to a few of you readers out there.   That is rebuilding the ultimate contact list from scratch.  There are a few ways to do this.  First off of course you could ask your close friends to borrow their phones, so you can rape their phones of all the mutual contacts you share.  This is not only useful but can be quite entertaining, when you see some of the different embarrasing nicknames in your friends phone, prompting you to stop what your doing and look over at them and say ”Super Hot Crush Brenda?” The only problem with this is that regardless of how many friends phones you borrow there will always be a few contacts you picked up over the years that are unique to you.  Getting these peoples numbers can be tricky. You pretty much have to just ask them for it, which depending on how long its been since you’ve talked to these people can be more than a little awkward.  I do however feel confident that with my new sexy phone, I will shortly restore my contact list to greatness with a few exceptions.  My embarrasing nicknames.  So if you’re out there “Red Shirt Rack” my new number is (512) 585 8310.